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Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee.
Isaiah 49,15

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The enemy to myself

Blanka Sedláčková

I´ve troubled by the bulimia ( the compulsive appetite ) for long years.I didn´t hesitate to eat three plates of soup and ten sandwiches.Then I vomited it all and was again on the lookout for some new food. The enemy to myself
The enemy to myself
 
Already at the beginning of our married life there were strained relations between us.I was dissatisfied with myself and with all my family.The quarrels with my husband and my mother-in-law was my stock-in-trade.Differences of opinion made us think about the divorce more and more often.Being unhappy and lonely I started my own life.As a consequence of all these things I also sank into the bulimia.Many of you may well know what it means: stuff oneself and then bring it all up and like this over and over again.Since my twentieth birthday I´d had a tendency to this mental illness.
 
The long years of sufferings
 

Gradually the split in my heart started to grow.The incessant remorse and fear soon resulted in the severe neurosis.And so I was treated at the mental asylum for years.Sometimes my state improved but other times it got worse.My marriage was ruined.I could hear words like: prostitute, crazy woman…The hysterical rows resulted in the unbearable tension within our family.Once my teenage son told me:“I´ll kill you and I´ll be glad to do all those years in prison!“ Yeah, I admit being a bad wife, mother and daughter-in-law, a public nuisance to my son and to others.

I got together with a very nice woman for years.Her name was Susan.I was surprised that whenever I asked her for something, she was free and she understood my problems.Whenever we talked together she used to conclude our conversation:“Why don´t you put your sufferings on Jesus´s cross?“I guessed that there is a God above us and even knew a few stories from the Old Testament but it was never interesting for me.Only Chrismas and Easter talked to me through their particular quiet urgency.From time to time I attended Catholic mass or Protestant worship.There I had an urge to say a prayer but it was all.

 
I messed up what I could
 
Susan was testifying to me about Jesus for ten years.Jesus helped her to have great patience with me.I admit not being absolutely interested in the spiritual things she´d talked to me about.I was at a great loss about how to respond.Susan was a potter and I was tempted to get some beautiful object from her – a little vase, a decoration on the wall or another work of art.
 
  

She also gave me the Bible and the book Labyrinth of the world and Paradise of heart by Comenius.I looked in the books but it wasn´t a light reading for me.And so I placed them in my bookcase.

I often complained to her about my situation, my son´s callousness and my husband´s quarrelsomeness.I opened my heart to her – I was tormented by the feeling of loneliness and the knowledge that nobody loved me.Once when I told her crying that not only my son and husband are bad but there was also some evil inside me, she answered me:“It´s true that you´ve messed up what you could but there is Jesus that is still waiting for you.Turn to him and tell him what´s troubling you.“

The years passed and I saw only very little of my friend Susan.I admit having avoided her sometimes.
 
Another try
 
A few years ago my sister died of brain cancer.Then I started saying lots of prayers for me and for all my family.It dawned on me that it´d been my fault.However, I still didn´t know what to do.I was at the marriage councelling service,at the lunatic asylum for a few times but it was of no use.
Once coming back from hospital I told my husband:“The life with me is no good, I know I´m difficult to cope with! Let´s take a new lease of life again!“.Nevertheless, this resolution lasted us only several days.The life in our family was so terrifying that our son, who in the meantime had finished his studies and become a doctor, preferred taking a job in another town.He didn´t want to be at home with such a mother who kept on arguing with his father and hated her mother-in-law.He couldn´t stand it any longer!
 
 
At the end of my tethers
 
After one quarrel I was roaming the streets.What next?I was shaking with fear,crying and wailing desperately:“Lord, I won´t stand it, could you help me, please.“God accused me of my previous life.I was afraid of every hour.I was also thinking about my old age.Where will I go when I divorce? Will I ever see my son again? At that moment I remembered Susan.I longed to be close to some believer.I rushed to her house.Right at the door I literally blurted out:“Susan, I don´t want to live in the way I´ve lived up to now.Nowdays I believe in what you´ve told me.“
 
Living is worth it!
 
My life started to change radically.At first my husband couldn´t believe it.He used to say:“I know you, it won´t last long and those Christians´ll get to know you.They´ll get the surprise of their lives!“.I kept on repeating that it wasn´t me but Jesus who changed my stony heart.It was just Him who took credit for changing my life.
 
 
 Nowdays, seven years later my husband often tells me:“I was unable to imagine how peacefully we could live in our old age.You´ve been so nice to me!“My mother-in-law is my dearly loved mummy who I´m praying with.My son has also different attitude to me.The strained relations between us are gone.He always likes to see us.These days I know that it´s necessary not only talk about faith but to convince my husband and son by loving and caring for them.
 
The nightmare is gone!
 

I´ve been troubled by the bulimia ( the compulsive appetite ) for long years.I didn´t hesitate to eat three plates of soup and ten sandwiches.Then I vomited it all and was again on the lookout for some new food.Recently even three times a day.My biggest problem was banquets and holidays.Nobody knew what was happening during the preparation of the meals in the kitchen, how much food went down the drain.

The first Chrismas after my conversion approached.I was so scared because I didn´t know how I´d resist so much food.I fell on my knees and pleaded:“Jesus, help me to get rid of this horror!“The Lord Jesus heard my prayers and finally healed me of this aweful disease.He´s able to change every life however horrible it may be and to forgive every sin however heinous it may

 
Blanka Sedláčková, October 2007, borrowed with the kind permission of Brno press missionary station.
 
 

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