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I was afraid of giving everything to God
Lubica Válková
God´s prepared marvellous things for me there.I experienced how much the Lord loved me and understood how much he cared about me.I was crying.It came home to me that he´d forgiven me everything.Finally, I made up my mind and I did a completely new thing….
When I was young, communism raged in my village and in my family.There were just 2 of us who wanted to receive the first Holy Communion.Although our village had two thousand people, the ceremony took place in the next village where there were lots of believers even if it was much smaller.I was nine at that time.I used to say the prayer:Little angel, be my guardian and imagined God as a kind of an old man.My mum dragged me to church on Sundays but there was no old man there and I wanted to watch TV.
Later, when I started thinking and it seemed to me that my teachers at school, good books and my father ( a member of the communist party but very good man indeed ) had been right - I found my mum a little silly because she believed in God.
After November 89 the situation changed and the new priest came to our parish.People´s faith revived and started flock into the church.I followed the crowd and began attending regular Bible classes –at that time I was about fifteen.Initially, I went there only because of my friends but in the course of time we had talks about life and God. I discovered “rational faith“that professed our new priest.That was exactly what I needed. I don´t know how but God changed my atheist attitude for “rational faith“.I sometimes experienced great pleasure from God´s presence and it wasn´t only rational faith but I remember looking forward to the confirmation. I was looking forward to being adult Christian and receiving Holy Spirit….When it was all over, I was crying for joy during prayer in the evening.Then, from time to time I went to some youth events and although I enjoyed it there when I came back home, I felt no joy.
Already then, it dawned on me that the adult Christians had had some sort of responsability - they should do something.The best thing would be to make atheist convert. In addition, they have to set the perfect example for the rest of the world.I didn´t feel like doing it especially when the following thought came to my mind:“Whoever has received a lot will be expected a lot.“
Although at that time I didn´t know anything about the surrender of my life to Jesus, I felt somehow that God wanted everything and I was terribly scared of it.
Everything that means that I shouldn´t go to the discos because God doesn´t like it ( I don´t mean generally but certainly in my case ).
I was touched by the gospel where it said that it was neccessary to cut away the hand that leads you to sin.I got it right.I started being scared of having to take the veil or what if God expects something in return?
So, I refused to give everything to God and found a sort of compromise and simply became one of those Christians that are very frequently seen around us - I said to myself that I´d obey only one part of God´s commandments but I´d arrange my life in the way I´d like.On Sunday I went to church and I prayed a little especially when there was some big problem that I couldn´t sort out.Then I took comfort in the fact how amazingly clever I was….I often thought atheists lived it up more.
A few times I was lured into doing some immoral things.There was a little window through which sin was coming into my heart.The little window became larger and larger.In essence, I was a mass of complexes and all the time I needed to adapt myself to someone to be like the others and so that “people liked me“.I fell between two stools.When I was among Christians I felt I wasn´t like them because every prayer was very long for me and I had qualms of conscience in silence.When I was among atheists I gradually had fewer and fewer scruples and at the same time I was proud of not being so poor.I believe in God after all! However, this kind of faith didn´t help me much
I believed in God when I was fifteen but I was converted – or if you like I turned away from my sinnful life only in June 1999:I just finished my university studies and had the blues during all that year.I didn´t know what to do with my life.What will I make for living and where will I live?
It sometimes occured to me it wouldn´t have been bad to return to God again in the same way as it was before I´d started to believe.Before exams I felt very stressed and that´s why I chain-smoked and drank lots of coffee although I wasn´t any addict.After having passed the exams successfully, I let my hair down at a party but it even deepened my sense of guilt to God.When in the end my friend made me a present of the course Filip because of my graduation ceremony I wasn´t against it at all.
God´s prepared marvellous things for me there.I experienced how much the Lord loved me and understood how much he cared about me.I was crying.It came home to me that he´d forgiven me everything.Finally, I made up my mind and I did a completely new thing. I gave up this little window.I decided to surrender everything to Jesus and proclaimed him as the only Lord – I started trusting God.His love changed me.
My depression disappeared.The Lord gave me the internal purity and strength.I stopped smoking and doing all the other things that Jesus disliked.Jesus changed all my way of thinking.
After the course Filip, I went from Bratislava back home to the central Slovakia to afford the last holiday.Of course, I started dazzling all my family and friends ( what I´d experienced was wonderful ).They listened to me but it was all.Nobody understood me because I looked at everything from a different viewpoint.I didn´t light a cigarette when we went out somewhere.Suddenly, I didn´t feel like adapting myself to the others.I commenced reading books about God that I´d put away before.I was given everything at the course Filip – a new lease of life.After a month´s time I started missing something my joy vanished and I began feeling worse – I didn´t have anyone who understood me – I missed the congregation.
At the end of the course Filip I got an offer to attend other courses and I was especially interested in the course Paul. It was exactly about those things I knew I should do – talk about God.Everybody said it was the best of all courses and we wouldn´t only evangelize but we´d work hard on ourselves and we´d be surprised by what we´d manage to do.I wanted to go there and after a month there was no way out.
The course Paul was beyond any describtion.It was an amazing experience with the Lord.In two weeks time God remade me totally.I found out that I could rely enterily on him.I satisfied myself that Jesus performs miracles even these days and for me.I discovered slews of gifts that he´d put in me I hadn´t known until that day about.I found out that I managed to do fantastic things with him……It was hard but wonderful time.I surrendered all my small and big problems to his hands – I needed a job and accomodation.The best thing for me would be to stay and work in Bratislava.God gave it to me.Next day I phoned home and my mum told me I´d been sent a contract of employment.I also found some accomodation although I didn´t like it much.Our heavenly Father also pampered me as I moved away into the fantastic and affordable appartment at the end of September.I´ve been staying here until now.
God gave me and still gives me friends, congregation, classes and everything I´m asking him for.A new job and love.
And work for him – courses Filip, evangelization, congregation KEKAKO.He´s very nice to me and sometimes allows me to be the witness of His work. I´m very glad to take part in it somehow.
The best thing is that His work doesn´t end with any course.He´s still leading me further showing and giving me more.
Thank You, Lord.
Luba, Bratislava, April 2003
Displayed 4531x od 22. 05. 2008
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